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This is where you will find the jokes, if you have any jokes that you would like to see here then e-mail them to me, I will try and show all the jokes that you send me, that is if anyone ever sees this page (and with me having over 100 visiters after 2 weeks I think I have had some visiters) and e-mails them to me.
JOKES Three nuns were sat on a wall, a flasher walked by, two had a srtoke, the other couldn't reach. Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've gotnomoney to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when theyfindthemselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says toMick,"Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay outhereand look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes whilePaddyis wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his headaround the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking veryworried. "What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mickreplies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding hishandsto his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way! These are some song lyrics:- There was an old man from Dublin Who found an old rusty dustbin The women all stared As he sat on it bare And used it as his place for lusting There was a young actress from Crewe, Who remarked as the vicar withdrew, The Bishop was quicker and thicker and slicker, and two inches longer than you. There was a young vampire called mable, whose periods were always quite stable, at every full moon she took out a spoon, and drank herself under the table. There was a young plumber from Lee, who was plumbing his girl with great glee, she said stop your plumbing, I think someones coming, said the plumber still plumbing "its me"! A kinky young girl from Coleshill, Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill, They found her vagina, in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil. There was a young man from Pitlocherie, making love to his girl in the rockery, she said look you've cum, all over my bum, This isn't a shag it's a mockery. There was a young lassie from Morton, who had one long tit and one short en, on top of all that, a great hairy twat, and a fart like a six fifty Norton. There was a young man from Nantucket, Who's appendage was so long he could suck it, He was heard to allude, if I may be so crude, If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it These lyrics were told to me by my Dad. MORE JOKES A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great, he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass."Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field, "they're girls. We 'do' them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning bonking his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the others. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette." A woman in her doctor's office shouts out "Doctor,kiss me!" The flustered Doctor says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her. A few minutes later the woman again shouts out Doctor, PLEASE, kiss me!" Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her. Another few minutes pass, and the woman again pleads; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!" "Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you". I think these jokes are good, but I have loads more jokes that I want to put on here, it just might take a while.Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we wouldliveforever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.*Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contestOutside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime ratesin thecountry. *Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DCI've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.*Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forwardWhenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over theworld,can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not withallthose flies and death and stuff.*Mariah Carey Pop singer"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. Weare thepresident."*Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documentsThe police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preservedisorder."*Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic PartyconventionChina is a big country, inhabited by many CHINESE.*Former French President Charles de GaulleI haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with thelaw.*David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that hefailed topay his taxes.The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.*Republican presidential candidate Bob DoleThings are more like they are now than they ever were before.*Former U.S. President Dwight D. EisenhowerTraditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.*Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel EnderberyWe're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.*Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas MavericksResearchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the samereactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discoveredothersimilarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.*Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22"It's like an alcatraz around my neck."*Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spacesHalf this game is ninety percent mental.*Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny OzarkThey're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they takethemoff.*Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged theAirForce nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliersIt is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.*Former U.S. Vice-President Dan QuayleI was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I havewasthat I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse withthosepeople.*Former U.S. Vice-President Dan QuayleIt isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impuritiesinour air and water that are doing it.*Former U.S. Vice-President Dan QuayleThe streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who makethemunsafe.*Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of PhiladelphiaSmoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part ofyourlife.*Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for afederalanti-smoking campaignThe president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.*Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,theschool board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of DavidSteele to the post.*Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode IslandThat lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, andI'mjust the one to do it.*A congressional candidate in TexasWithout censorship, things can get terribly confused in the publicmind.*General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
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